Tuesday, June 28, 2011

my sharona: a haiku


true quantum physics
she wrote the song before birth
so glad she's my first


Monday, June 27, 2011

what it's really like: therapy

I've been to three appointments with a therapist... someone I would call an "existential therapist" if only because the reason I am there is because.... one coincidence after another, I found myself sitting in front of this man. I was terrified, rattled, and at the end of my rope. If only because I was THROUGH with starving. Starving spiritually, physically, emotionally. Knowing that if I didn't sit down in front of this person who I knew (because of how I came in contact with him) had a huge keyring and very real chance of unlocking some ridiculously fortified doors in my psyche, I would eventually ruin my own life subconsciously on purpose. Because ruining everything is a great way to start picking up the pieces.

I was scared. I knew this would mean flashing my naked, tender, raw, hurt, scarred underbelly to another human being. And then? Then... what was the worst thing that could happen? Could he reject me? Hate me? Use me? Ridicule me? Deceive me? Yes. Did I really think he would do any of those things? I didn't know and honestly, the fear of NOT FINDING OUT all of these things was a big part of what made me hurt. At some point, convincing people you are the happiest, healthiest person on the face of the planet gets tired. Played out. Worn like a pair of sneakers with your toes hanging out the front. MY LIFE, the longest play ever written, starring me, the most ridiculous actress ever. YES, life is great and funny and wonderful and YES, i am so very loved. But I'm through acting. I need to feel whatever shit I've been refusing to feel. So afraid to feel. So begins the next chapter of my blog: Dirty Laundry.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

meaningless conversations worth having

Me: what's more annoying... People Who Type Like This or people who write in all lowercase all the time no matter what


P: idon'tknowwhatyouretalkingabout

Me: I Really Think This Is The Most Annoying Considering What Your Pinky Has To Go Thru
I'm A Bit Of A Socialist

P: inmyhumbleopinionthisisthemostannoyinghavingtoreadbutnotnecessarilytype

Me: yes but hashtags can be hilarious #dotcom