Wednesday, June 30, 2010

the cure for the common hypochondriac

my mom cured me as follows:

7-year-old me: "mama look at my toe-- it's peeling. what is WRONG WITH ME?!?!"

mama: "oh? look at that! that's what happens three days before you die!"

me: (ran off screaming and crying... probably wrote a will--- i was obsessed with writing wills at that age)

after years and years of this i finally figured out xyz wasn't going to kill me.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

do you even want to know what we're dealing with?!?

a snippet of an email from my sister:

"Wanna hear something insane? The Kenyan Bishop used my olive oil to annoint people (or marinate them)."

my response could only be an immediate:

UM OMG did he ask? whose olive oil? your moms? lol your mom. get it? no but seriously where did this olive oil come from EXACTLY.... italy? was it name brand? was it on the shelf? in the pantry? was it your own personal tiny bottle? i don't know why this is important but it is. and i need the career test. where did the anointing take place? these ppl are freakin crazy!! did anyone fall over? jesus h.

anyway... i'll continue my response later--

AHHHHHH olive oil jesus juice

oh and her response:

Okay, MY olive oil! But it was in the pantry up for grabs, but you know what kills me is that there are literally like FOUR bottles of canola. I mean, WTF? That stuff is five dollars. It was the normal size, not pocket size. And yes name brand. Also, if anyone fell over, I object for the sake of MY OIL. He did this on Friday night, at my house, and TRIED to do it Sunday night, but THANK THE LORD (hahahaha), that Eddie's mother objected. She picked it up, looked straight at him and said, "We're not gonna do this." Then, I assume she put it back in the pantry where it belongs."

Friday, June 25, 2010

The Illuminated Rumi

Love is reckless, not reason;
reason seeks a profit.
Love comes on strong,
consuming herself, unabashed.

Yet, in the midst of suffering,
Love proceeds like a millstone,
hard surfaced and straightforward.

Having died of self-interest,
she risks everything and asks for nothing.

Love gambles away every gift God bestows.

Without cause God gave us Being.
Without cause, give it back again.

-- Rumi

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Addendum to "the pedestal"

i'm so horrible and vulgar-- but the only feedback i'm getting is that I'm not making sense. Well, the wonderfully loquacious Sharona seems to have gotten it but a few others are befuddled by the pedestal.

At what age (if any) do you feel like "holding on" to your virginity is an active detriment to your ability to exist normally within our society? Are there groups of individuals rapidly approaching their third decade on planet Earth having never indulged in erotic pleasures?

This whole concept of "holding" virginity is what spawned the "pussy on a pedestal" conversation... i mean... do you realize that you could totally be falsely advertising and elevating the pussy? what is this man going to expect? what is he going to receive? what tricks does said man have to perform or checklists does he have to conquer to achieve pussy-worthy status? AND WHAT ABOUT THE POOR PUSSY?!? who is REALLY suffering here??

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Pedestal

I can NOT STOP LAUGHING at the pussy pedestal. There are so many awesome jokes that spawn from the punani on a pedestal I can't even begin... one of the highlights of a recent conversation:

"That girl putting her pussy on a pedestal is like keeping a trash can on the dining room table."


still. so. funny. but seriously. bring the pussy down. it needs to mingle.