Thursday, January 31, 2008

a poo-centered existence


Okay, so I quit Master Cleansing on Day 4... which is to say... I did the Salt Water Flush... (more butt-pee-- that oddly resembled lemonade-- which made me think of all the hilarious but horrible things I could do to people I hate.... hee hee... "delicious filtered lemonade") so... me being retarded... I pooed my pants on day three.. wasn't sure if I ACTUALLY pooed my pants... so i smeared it on my face which CONFIRMED my suspicions... at least I was at home while I was TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD AND SHITTING MY PANTS! and smearing it on my face!!!!! WTF?!?! I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for that one. I figure if I post it on my public blog it will somehow help. Megan? Sharona? Crystal? What say you?

I got really weak and a really bad headache and ate a salad as my act of surrendering to my body... the headache left immediately. I went to sleep happy and skinny. That was day four. Holy Crap... then day 5 ... I woke up and Salt Water Flushed.. ate one small biscuit ... I wasn't able to eat much at all. Then I made my world famous sausage and ground beef spaghetti since Peter was having major cravings. I ate one helping and woke up at 11 pm praying that my intestines weren't rupturing. The upper part of my stomach acted as if I drank a fifth of (INSERT CHEAP TEQUILA HERE) and immediately sent me running for the bathroom. Nothing happened other than insane nausea, sweating, and swollen face. My dinner would NOT go down my tummy. It was just sitting there like a freaking hand grenade of sausage spaghetti waiting to blow me to smithereens. Now, the really odd part about all of this is how NON-poo-centered this whole feeling was. It felt like my stomach had gotten really really really small.... then I ruptured it with my dead pig dinner.... then it tried to digest it... think of a snake swallowing a wooden chair... and then about five hours post eating my body was like... "that's it you stupid bitch.. get the dead pig OUTTA HERE!" so that would explain the near-puking reverse-swallowing feeling... but I have pretty much the most stubborn gag reflex of anyone I have EVER come across and I can't vomit or induce vomiting to save my life (literally). So I somehow slept through the night and was very surprised that I didn't wake up dead. Now, I can barely eat ANYTHING... I mean ANYTHING... and I'm vegetarian for the most part... I don't know if I will ever eat red meat again. My poor body and butthole hate me!!

I think I'm about 147-150 right now.... I'm not going to weigh myself until I feel even thinner since I just don't want to be obsessed with numbers, but I'm aiming for 135 lbs. for my wedding... I'm eating REALLY healthy.... bananas, salad, Naked Superfood drinks... and very small portions. So that's the update. COMMENT... I want to know what you think and/or would you ever try this??!?!?!?!


Megan said...

Please forgive me as I laugh hysterically at the fact that you dug poo out of your underwear and then wiped it on your face. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OK, I think I have it out of my system *groan, eye roll*. OK, really this time. No, wait, . . . BWAHAHAHAHA

Sorry about that. That said, I'm kind of glad that I've never made it past day 3. I would say if you were shitting liquid that you're pretty clean now, but, that's just a guess. :) Actually, I think you're supposed to forgo the flushes and teas if you develop diarrhea, but I can't see how you wouldn't eventually just shit liquid. I can't believe you broke the fast with pig and hamburger, of all things. Poor girl. I think 4 days is probably sufficient. I also think the whole toxins burning on the way out is bullshit too, I think it's the pepper burning on its way out.

LatinaDiana said...

Well, I didn't exactly "dig" it out, considering it's completely liquid nature. I sniffed and accidentally smeared (and I thought I gave too much information before! lmfao. I have no shame. Seriously.

So I thought I had to fart... and evidently, Master Cleanse rule 452 is: YOU DON'T HAVE TO FART. So I "farted" and immediately my eyes were like saucers and i put my hand over my mouth Betty Boop-style like, "no way did that just happen". I literally thought I was too cool to have just shit myself... alas, I was wrong. So wrong.

Anyway... I'm SO glad to make you smile. I wonder when or if I will ever tell Elek about this. Things that make you go "hmmm...."

Megan said...

I actually figured that the sniff smear thing was what happened, but it was funnier to consider the other way. :) What does that say about me??

I wouldn't tell one of my kids an embarrassing story like that, ever. You'll never live it down that way.

fearlesschef said...

So... I will NOT be following in your footsteps anytime soon. Best of luck.

cryshannah said...

Oh, girl! I'm sorry, I did find it hilarious at first but then you made me feel human at the fact that I am not the only one that has done crazy shit that made me ask 'what the hell did I just do?'

Anyways, I give you big kudos for having endured all have a stronger will than I...I think I would have quit after day one - particularly with my phobia of public restrooms and the fact that I work with food everyday. Oh, and kudos for having the guts to share this info with everyone!