Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Big Easy

Drove in from New Orleans last night... it inspires every facet of artist within... and it doesn't seem to be just me.

art in every form explodes from the heart of the city.

as my love for the Big Easy has evolved, I much prefer the Quarter in the morning.. it is ethereal and reminds me of all the different versions of myself that have seen New Orleans and all the different myselfs that New Orleans has seen.

The ephemeral experience that New Orleans embodies consistently reminds me that a moment can last an eternity and an eternity can exist in a moment

To a Reader

by Robert Hass

I've watched memory wound you.
I felt nothing but envy.
Having slept in wet meadows,
I was not through desiring.
Imagine January and the beach,
a bleached sky, gulls, And
look seaward: what is not there
is there, isn't it, the huge
bird of the first light
arched above first waters
beyond our touching or intention
or the reasonable shore.


Samuel Goldwyn - "Include me out."

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Peter bought a crate full of Pampers from Sam's Club (which I will forever say that I hate but still buy their diapers - so. much. cheaper.) So Peter puts them all up, and we literally had diapers coming out of our EARS.

And I neglect to put any in the diaper bag and drive to East Memphrica for my yearly physical with Kito (Elekito), and OF COURSE he immediately takes a fat dump as soon as we pass through the doors and he thinks, "hmm.... mama is retarded.... i bet she doesn't have *grunt* any *grunt* diapers" *grunt followed by caustic stench*

And the doctor has to do the whole physical with stink-butt right in his face until he can't possibly take it one more second and finally says, "Um, what's the deal? You don't have a diaper?" Translate: How can you possibly ignore this mind-blowing smell that you have subjected me to against my will? I will force you to make it go away. You sick f*ck.

So I literally had no choice but to TAPE a diaper made for an 85-year-old onto my child's tiny yet filthy ass. Oh, the shame. Elek wrapped in medical tape and Depends.
I couldn't stop shaking my head and Elek was waddling like a pregnant woman (he is FAR PAST the waddling stage) and so I shake my head and say "Indeed." to which Elek replies:



Tuesday, August 26, 2008


So, I'm sitting at home now. I just plowed through a list of twenty things I have to do in about 45 minutes. This makes me wonder why the hell I procrastinate. That stuff has been weighing on me for quite some time, and now it's all done. Anyway, I am currently in limbo... between school and a job... and it should be an amazing feeling. In fact, most of the time it IS an amazing feeling. I love being with Elek all day... but by about 6:30 at night I've had it and I'm ready to call a sitter. To which Peter says: "It's an hour and half til his bedtime" and I reply "he'll be cute again in the morning, I just can't handle such overwhelmingly large doses of toddler with no breaks".

I don't envy stay at home moms.... I commend them. I place some weird value on making money, while these women stand by supporting their family, cooking, cleaning, and just all around BEING THERE with nothing but emotional compensation. On one hand I can't wait to have a job, and on the other, I know I will cry my eyes out the first few days Elek is in daycare. Oh.... life's lessons just keep getting harder. As I get older and, thank Universe, more mature... I realize balance is EVERYTHING. Limits and routines keep us all sane... toddlers, adults, and elderly alike. When I was younger I always wanted to get in the car and just "drive til we ran out of gas"... but now, I see... that would be fun for a week... maybe two.... but the necessity of routine... be it in one town or a nomadic lifestyle... is still necessary.

OH and interesting stories:

My child is the Cat Whisperer. Peter's mom, Gran, has been out of town since last Friday. She has two cats, Stan and Henry, for whom we are responsible while she's gone.... yeah I locked Stan out on the back screened porch overnight on Tuesday. Elek and I show up on Wednesday morning and Stan is wailing like a banshee. Then Elek started meowing, "Help! Help!" and I did a double-take and asked Elek, "Is that what Stan is saying?" .... and Elek kept meowing "Help!" I wish I had video.... so anyway... yes, our child is telepathic.

Second, Stan peed all over the porch and I had to break Gran's screen door after I locked myself out. Oh, the joys of being a delinquent daughter-in-law! She still likes me somehow.... I made fajitas last night and put drugs in her guacamole. Sneaky, sneaky!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

sick in the head.

So, I just got through mopping the whole moppable area of the house... that being eat-in kitchen and the tiled kitchen cooking area. After I swept up all the disgusting nastiness of the past month, I started mopping with the Citrus swiffer scrubby things and that gave way to thinking of all the barefoot stink juices that have soaked into the floor... then I started Swiffer scrubbing like a madwoman and now I feel like I'm going to pass out and/or throw up. In case I die of Swiffer fumes, this blog is a sort of explanation of what happened. *gag*


Ah, yes, rub your eyes again. Pinch yourself for good measure. At last, I have returned to the Blogger's Realm of Bloggerific Super-humans. The occasion, you ask? A freaking Bachelor's Degree. Nine years in the making. It better taste good. I don't know if I want to eat it, wipe my ass with it, or bury it like a bone and dig it up later. Anyway.... I'm delirious....I turned in a 15 page paper last Thursday, so this is all proving to be quite surreal and definitely hasn't hit me yet.

Elek will be TWO on October 6!!! He is growling like a jaguar (not to mention reaching, climbing, and jumping like a jaguar), and barking like a dog, and doing all sorts of funny animal things. The other day he was actually slithering on my bedroom floor. Okay, so it was more of a military crawl.... but I haven't seen anything remotely resembling that since he was forced to military crawl as his sole form of self-propelled transportation. He runs everywhere... and he somehow sat through my year-long (read: almost two hours) graduation ceremony with hardly a peep (lol.... totally lying). Okay..... he didn't cry. He did, however, growl like a jaguar, "mrow, mROWWWW!" at all other threatening forms of small human being. Like his mother, the boy doesn't like to share the spotlight. *sigh*

Elek is on YouTube... click the pic below:

So, yes, he is the light of my life and he loves his blanket :) How have ya'll been?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

why i love her

From: Diana
To: Jessica
Subject: call me

call me now. i know you aren't in leprechaun-land anymore.

i will actually shit a gold coin if i don't talk to you before the wedding

as tempting as that must be, call me anyway :)

love you

From: Jessica
To: Diana

I've no privacy right now,
but I'll try to borrow my parents' cell phone sometime tomorrow...
in the meantime it's great you've learned a way to make some extra money!

Friday, February 22, 2008

breath of fresh air


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it~

Rudyard Kipling

Thursday, February 14, 2008


so my mom brought me a box of thin mints. beautiful perfect girl scout cookies. i swear i can not open this box or i will end up in a crumpled heap on the floor with a shredded box, torn cellophane, and minty crumbs everywhere wondering what the hell just happened. (i suppose this could be explained by saying that one of my personalities is a severely deprived blue Sesame Street monster that's not named Grover.) i refuse punctuation today. you are not the boss of me.


your face is on my pillow
your mind is what i am trying to achieve
deep and soulful contact.
I see your body,
delicate warmth
yet it burns with fire and desire.
my own is craving the night
battling time and wishing
for you to be close.


Tu eres mi mente
Abierta y Honda
Despierta y en muchas formas
resembla el mar
en blanco y negro
de noche y de dia.
Tus holas caminan lentamente
por mi cuerpo
colores del piano ondulado
del mar .
Como te va mi amigo?
Delito de la noche
caminante de suenos calmantes
veo Soles en tu mundo
llamas altas y cresidas
memorias de una larga noche.



Adri (a dear friend of mine)

my breath reeks of rosemary: a poem

sick again. and this is not really a poem. that opening sentence just sounded slightly poetic. anyway. yes, yes my breath reeks of rosemary. and DAMN. i disgust myself. ugh. at least I can smell it (meaning my nose isn't stuffed up to hell)?

the cup is half full.

Friday, February 8, 2008

see it

Never believe anyone who says we cannot change. Vision is one of the secrets of personal transformation. We are all artists, our mind is the arena of creation and vision is what we are constantly creating.

What is your vision of yourself today - patient, relaxed, positive or tense, tight and negative? What do you prefer? So be creative – what does patience look like, feel like, what are you doing that is different when you are patient and you are expressing your power to ...wait?

Always start with vision not action.
See it and you will be it.
Be it and you will do it.

~ Brahma Kumaris

all hope is not lost

some people remind you
we are all souls

some people remind you
age is just a number

some people remind you
we are never all alone

some people remind you
you're not the only one who thinks society is fucked up

some people remind you
how valuable a genuine smile is

some people remind you
the greatest things in life aren't things

some people remind you
that not everyone is a zombie

and you remind me
of all these things

breathe in and feel the magic

you are so alive for every moment that is now

you are that smile

that energy...

you are the difference between firewood and a huge oak tree

you are the difference between a vase of roses and a field of wildflowers

you are alive

and you inspired me to write every word of this

you are very busy, dear one, even if you are still

because you are breaking hearts open and causing them to feel

and you are breaking minds open with your determination

and you are transcending every limit by existing in all of us

you may never understand how you glow

and that's okay

i send you my love, light, and the warmest of hugs

-i have written this for you, but this message is brought to you by the divine wisdom and knowledge that passes through each of us... this definitely applies to my mother... and to so many of you. i encourage all of you to break free of your bodies, lose your fear of death, and dare to truly love and in doing so, change the world.

i have dreamt several times of a sunset, much like the one below, and i know that death is a journey beyond the horizon of the sea. as we are further and further from the shore of this lifetime, we approach the limitless bounds of the universe (the ocean). take comfort in the fact that loved ones have made the voyage before you...

Friday, February 1, 2008

the cleanse... in a nutshell

"help, i'm in a nutshell. please!"

okay, so for interested parties, here is the diet. NO FOOD. NO CHEWING GUM. NOTHING. If you must chew on something I would recommend cinnamon toothpicks, but I didn't care to chew on anything... nor was I hungry at ALL. Very shocking. This does not mean you don't want food.... since when did anyone have to be hungry to want food?? exactly.

okay so, the night before you begin the fast, drink a poo tea... aka herbal laxative, main ingredient senna leaf... I got mine at Kroger: Laci LeBeau's Super Dieter's Tea or at Wild Oats there is an organic Smooth Moves chocolate tea.

Every Morning... beginning Day 1: The Infamous Salt Water Flush

32 oz. lukewarm purified water w/2 tsp. sea salt (non iodized... not Morton's table salt)

You need around two hours at home to let this kick in... I woke up at 4:30 the first day and went back to sleep until 6:30 when I crapped my brains out.

The Recipe for one day's magic lemonade

5 organic lemons- juiced
1 c. Grade B Maple syrup (I only found it at Wild Oats)
1 tsp. cayenne pepper
10 c. purified water

shake and enjoy!

you can have lemonade or water... that is ALL you can have

each night do the herbal poo tea

each morning do the salt water flush

do NOT do this more than ten days for your first cleanse

Thursday, January 31, 2008

oh... read the other one first

this is the resolution to the blog below so you may want to read it first:

i woke up still feeling absolutely F*cking HORRIBLE. The dead pig hand grenade within had not budged one millimeter.. so I did another Salt Water Flush and felt AMAZING afterward.

a poo-centered existence


Okay, so I quit Master Cleansing on Day 4... which is to say... I did the Salt Water Flush... (more butt-pee-- that oddly resembled lemonade-- which made me think of all the hilarious but horrible things I could do to people I hate.... hee hee... "delicious filtered lemonade") so... me being retarded... I pooed my pants on day three.. wasn't sure if I ACTUALLY pooed my pants... so i smeared it on my face which CONFIRMED my suspicions... at least I was at home while I was TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD AND SHITTING MY PANTS! and smearing it on my face!!!!! WTF?!?! I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for that one. I figure if I post it on my public blog it will somehow help. Megan? Sharona? Crystal? What say you?

I got really weak and a really bad headache and ate a salad as my act of surrendering to my body... the headache left immediately. I went to sleep happy and skinny. That was day four. Holy Crap... then day 5 ... I woke up and Salt Water Flushed.. ate one small biscuit ... I wasn't able to eat much at all. Then I made my world famous sausage and ground beef spaghetti since Peter was having major cravings. I ate one helping and woke up at 11 pm praying that my intestines weren't rupturing. The upper part of my stomach acted as if I drank a fifth of (INSERT CHEAP TEQUILA HERE) and immediately sent me running for the bathroom. Nothing happened other than insane nausea, sweating, and swollen face. My dinner would NOT go down my tummy. It was just sitting there like a freaking hand grenade of sausage spaghetti waiting to blow me to smithereens. Now, the really odd part about all of this is how NON-poo-centered this whole feeling was. It felt like my stomach had gotten really really really small.... then I ruptured it with my dead pig dinner.... then it tried to digest it... think of a snake swallowing a wooden chair... and then about five hours post eating my body was like... "that's it you stupid bitch.. get the dead pig OUTTA HERE!" so that would explain the near-puking reverse-swallowing feeling... but I have pretty much the most stubborn gag reflex of anyone I have EVER come across and I can't vomit or induce vomiting to save my life (literally). So I somehow slept through the night and was very surprised that I didn't wake up dead. Now, I can barely eat ANYTHING... I mean ANYTHING... and I'm vegetarian for the most part... I don't know if I will ever eat red meat again. My poor body and butthole hate me!!

I think I'm about 147-150 right now.... I'm not going to weigh myself until I feel even thinner since I just don't want to be obsessed with numbers, but I'm aiming for 135 lbs. for my wedding... I'm eating REALLY healthy.... bananas, salad, Naked Superfood drinks... and very small portions. So that's the update. COMMENT... I want to know what you think and/or would you ever try this??!?!?!?!

Friday, January 25, 2008




Day Three 12:22 pm

Day Three! Not much to say. I worked out lifting weights for an hour, and I definitely feel thinner. I didn't want to post my journal until I had made it to Day Three aka The infamous day three when everyone quits. Well, it ain't gonna happen, and now that I've posted my journal, failure is even less of an option. I did my SWF at like 10:30 so I'm still pooping. One moment please. Yeah so my poo is looking more and more like the lemonade I drink all day, and less and less like poo. I hear I will be shitting alien space babies by day eight, so, uh, I'll keep you informed. Over and out. I was hoping for a nap, but I don't think I'm going to get one today. That sucks because my body is actually pretty tired from working out. Oh well. DAMMIT... i have to poop AGAIN. That's twice in five minutes if anyone wants to know.

1-24-08 Day Two - Master Cleanse

Today I feel GREAT in comparison to yesterday! My body has finally realized it IS my slave and has succumbed quite nicely. I woke up at 6:15 am to do the SWF and I still think, although completely disgusting, drinking 32 ounces of saltwater is over in about 4 minutes, which is nothing. In comparison with the ten day fast, four minutes is simple. I went to the gym today which made all the difference in the world. The workout was WAY more strenuous than usual, and I had a ton of energy. I was ridiculously thrirsty, but I was sweating profusely so I'm sure that's normal. Oh, I forgot to mention the SWF feels and sounds like your peeing through your anus... though it certainly doesn't smell that way. I weighed myself today, and since the Friday before school (I weighed in at 162.5 lbs), I have lost 7.5 lbs... putting me at 155 lbs today! I have to keep in ming, I changed my eating habits as soon as school started, eating dinner around 4 pm and nothing after that. Oh my god, the smell of Elek's Cinnamon Raisin toast with Brummel & Brown Yogurt Butter was enough to make my mouth water.

Outside the joy of chewing something, I still haven't been hungry. I'm pretty surprised that I haven't been hungry, considering it's almost 7 pm. People have lost up to 20 lbs in 10 days, which is disgusting, old, toxic fecal matter that is coating their intestines along with some water weight. Leia said that only one percent of her weight loss was water so I'm really hoping the SWF pushes some really old toxins out of my intestines/system. I also read online that 10 days is the optimal length for your first time doing the Master Cleanse. I am sitting in class, and it is hard to imagine that next week at this time I will still be fasting. I took a nap during Elek's nap time today which felt awesome after the workout. I feel like the mucus has finally significantly decreased. I will be interested to see if this weekend is easier or more difficult than during the week. I'm still taking the antibiotics for the ear infection and the pressure in my ears has greatly decreased. I slept with Peter last night(opposed to the four previous nights) and didn't disturb him at all. The lemonade is really not yummy, but as long as I keep my mind off food everything is great!

"failure is not an option."
"food will still be here in 8 days."
"my body is my slave"
"what can taste better than how great I will feel after this?"

Day One 7:10 pm

Okay, my body totally took me hostage for about 3 hours. Immediately after I stopped writing the previous journal entry, I packed my things and prepared for class to end. The pain in my ear was completely in control of me, and I decided to go to the Student Health Center instead of my next class. I felt feverish and generally sick all over and waited in the waiting room for an hour and even took a short nap. I got a Z-pack after finding out my right ear is severely infected and my left ear is pretty bad, but not in comparison with my right. I went to the pharmacy and took both pills as soon as possible. I feel SO much better. I can actually LISTEN now, whereas before, I was in such acute pain I was seriously considering going home, calling Peter, taking a Darvocet (narcotic painkiller) and passing out. I am very proud of myself because quitting Master Cleanse is not an option. Many people have quit the Master Cleanse because of a sore throat or antibiotics, but I believe my mind is so addicted to sweets & caffeine and having what it wants when it wants, that it allowed the ear infection to flare up in the hopes that I will give in. Well, I haven't been hungry at all, and every time I feel a hunger pang or any sense of emptiness I take a big swig of the lemonade - which is increasingly spicy and gross. My mind/emotions are not taking to this Cleanse very kindly and I expect it will be a couple of days before acceptance takes hold.

"Failure is not an option."

I am very proud of myself for leaving my food addiction at the door today, and I won't let ANYTHING get in the way of this detoxification process.

1-23-08 Day One of Master Cleanse 1pm

I had trouble getting to sleep last night, and due to the coughing I kicked myself out of my bed and went to the office to sleep. I woke up around 2:30 with a horrible sinus headache and tried to sleep and tossed and turned until 4 am. I decided to go ahead and do a sinus rinse, even though you aren't supposed to before bed. I was having serious pressure in my eardrums while doing the sinus rinse, and the box said to stop doing the sinus rinses immediately if there was any pressure/pain in the ears. I was a little apprehensive, but due to the severe sinus pressure, I thought the sinus rinse necessary. Since I was up, I did the SWF (Salt Water Flush), which kicked in around 5... it was like someone to a toilet plunger to my ass with a gallon of water. Honestly, the quart of lukewarm sea salt-water was not as bad as I had read online. As of now, I'm not hungry, but my right ear is severely aching. I think this is trying to divert my body from it's cleansing goal. I took an antibiotic, out of fear of infection of the pain getting much worse. I think it MAY be starting to work.

1-22-08 - Thoughts before beginning Master Cleanse

Today was one of those days where IF I could have stayed in bed until noon, I would have. It was cold, rainy, and dark until at least 10 am. All night long I kept waking up with a dry mouth, swollen tongue, and that disgusting sick taste in my mouth. I had been kicked out of the bed for coughing all night (with good reason). When I took a sip of water, I could barely taste it due to the dry, swollen tongue, which somewhat came back to life when the water touched it. I've been sick since last Tuesday, which is a full week of mouth-breathing. The amount of mucus in my throat and face (sinuses) is just grotesque. I've been doing a sinus rinse since Sunday night, which has been alleviating my symptoms a bit, but the cold itself is still in my head, and I can't breathe clearly through my nose or kiss Peter without thinking how sick I must taste/smell. I just started my cycle so I'll keep record of any cramping or back pain.

So I woke up around 7, did a sinus rinse, and ate 1 1/2 mini bagels (a total of 150 calories). I got to the gym at 9 and did chest/abs and then stayed for yoga class until 10:15 am. On the way home I stopped at Chick-fil-A and got a 4pc Chicken Nugget Kids Meal for Elek and cookies-n-Cream Milkshake w/whipped cream & a cherry for me. I ate every bite and felt like a horrible piece of weak blob after finishing it.

I knew I had... or I should say.... I KNOW I HAVE given food too much control, and I am on a quest to regain control of my body and eating habits. I desperately need a physical & spiritual cleansing, and Leia (the yoga teacher) has lost 25 lbs. since last June by becoming a vegetarian and using the Master Cleanse as a detoxification fast. Other than that, I have no idea her personal dealings or constraints as far as Master Cleanse is concerned. Her skin looks great and she looks completely refreshed and glowing. I think I will e-mail her for pointers and/or support. I'm pretty sure I weigh about 160 lbs. right now, which is "normal" as far as BMI is concerned (the Body Mass Index for a female that's 5'7"), but the fact remains that I feel this addictive streak is incredibly destructive, and I need to get to the bottom of this issue and get a fresh, clean start. I want to do this until my tongue is pink again (a sign that I am cleansed thoroughly), but I can't promise more than 10 days. I am tired of thinking of myself as a weak food addict when I really want to treat my body as the beautiful temple that it truly is.

Mantras going into Master Cleanse:
"Failure is not an option."
"My body is my slave."

Things I hope to gain from Master Cleanse:
-I hope to rid my body of sickness, toxins, and meat.
-I hope to rid my body of addiction to sugar, caffeine, and meat.
-I hope to gain insight into WHY I find some of my self0worth in what I have eaten.
-I want to see what a CLEANSED me looks and feels like spiritually, mentally, and physically.

ALSO, I anticipate feeling amazing and proud of myself after having succeeded at cleansing my body.